Sunday, January 22, 2012

Easier than running over paint cans

For a while, the Marquis rocked this look

[caption id="attachment_17447" align="alignnone" width="640"]Olds 98 paint Nice wheel, nerd[/caption]

It's like wearing a new pair of white Avias. You see it a mile away  (Haters are gonna call this look white socks on too short pants).  I got it from running into a can of white paint at the gas station.

Sadly, the Marquis rocked the rest of this look too:  dents, random missing trim, 4 different kinds of tires, et cetera.

[caption id="attachment_17448" align="alignnone" width="640"]Olds 98 missing trim, dents, shit paint, 4 different tires - must be a 7-Eleven clerk.[/caption]

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Eat the Rich

I need a new business plan. Writing off my data plan and hosting costs is nice and all (#notactualtaxadvice), but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, it's nice (one supposes) to have a net income.  It evidently leads to perks.  To wit:

Craig Jackson is the big cheese* at Barrett Jackson.  BARRETT-JACKSON AUCTION COMPANY, LLC is a licensed (public consignment) auto dealer.  What does that mean?

1.  Dealer plates.  Drive the best dealer demo ever for a couple of years, and the company gets a fat write off (#notactualtaxadvice) of the depreciation on a $2 million (+/-) car that's been whored around town.

Bugatti Veyron Cop
I can make you a deal on this, but you can't pay in donuts

2.  Speaking of whoring...Look at the door.  Look closely at the top of the windshield here.  The aesthetic purist in me says, "Jesus Fuck, Craig Jackson!  You let your beautiful Godzilla-eating monstrobot car get viciously stickerfied by JC Whitney/pussified by Justin Bieber.  You're as bad as Paris Hilton."  Then it hit me: ADVERTISING EXPENSE.

  • Two million dollars and 35 cents (for the cheesy stickers) of acquisition cost?  Advertising expense.  
  • 8 mpg? Advertising expense.  
  • Routine maintenance costs that equal the GNP of Kerplekistan? Advertising expense. 
  • Photo radar tickets? Probably irrelevant, because the registered owner is not a person. Otherwise? Advertising expense. (#notactualtaxadvice)

It all makes sense.  I can see it now:
  1. Internet bullshit you're reading now

  2. ? ? ?

  3. Profit!!!

  4. This:
Cadillac Spokes car
"Do you see who THAT is?" "Yeah, let's go kick his ass!"

*trustee of the trust that manages the BJ holding LLC that manages the BJ auction company LLC.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Let the Wookie Win

Bugatti Veyron Barrett Jackson
The storied Bugatti
Or the cop.  Tomato; tomahto.

SEMA Bug Makes Three

Bugatti Veyron SEMA
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Craig Jackson Has a Nice ...

It's a Burberry

My boy, we are pilgrims in an unholy land

Ferrari 355GTS
Don't call me "Junior."

Another Day...

Lamborghini Diablo VT
Another brush with El Diablo

Lurlene's Babymaker

1966 Chrysler Newport
1966 Chrysler Newport

Everything was Fine

until the light turned green Dodge Little Red Truck cop
Then it got weird and expensive.
MORAL:  Don't play FLAT OUT IN OHIO in Snotsdale

I'd Buy THAT For a Dollar

1970 AMX
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Saturday, January 14, 2012


Bugatti Veyron
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Welcome to SkySong

Craig Jackson Bugatti Veyron

Junk in the trunk

Bugatti Veyron
Three (or 17) things come to mind
The shape is familiar, and would be revolting if it were filled with  something other than a W-16 engine/12inch wide tires.   The cost, a cool couple of million, is right in line with the cost of the metaphorical equivalent.

No comment on the prominent exhaust.

Caption This

Craig Jackson Bugatti Veyron

Barrett Jackson 2012: I Touched a...

Bugatti Veyron
Bugatti Veyron grille
It was Craig Jackson's

I'm never washing this shoe again!

How Sausage Is Made

1982 Lincoln Continental Mark VI Bill Blass
It's no 1979 model, but i still want to have its babies
This, after 30 years of basting, is one of my favorite cars of the 1980s. One of the lamest then/coolest  now features is the "carriage roof," the fake convertible top first introduced on the 1979 Mark V. It worked on those because they were styled as 2 door hardtops.

Naturally, if people were dumb enough to spend 3 grand on a fake convertible roof on a Mark, then why not on a 4 door or a car with limo doors (Cougar, anyone?).

Friday, January 13, 2012

And I wonder, Still I wonder

Who'll stop the rain ?
Answer: no one.  In Phoenix, it's not much of an issue, but in places with actual weather and water that falls out of the sky, well, something's gotta give.
And now a well-timed word from our sponsors:
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When Car and Driver Didn't Suck

December 1977 for one.

Monday, January 9, 2012

28 Years Later

Actually 32, but who's counting?  Anyway, This is the Lincoln Continental Mark VI. I loved these cars when they came out.  yes, they were stubby in all the bad ways, compared to the "long hood = long penis" message the Mark V sent.  One of the coolest features, according to the brochure, was the "auxiliary lamps."  These were glorified fog lights embedded in the covers for the real headlights.
Lincoln Continental Mark VI
Gonna Light up the night?
Yes, that's right:  hide the ugliness of headlights behind retractable covers, then embellish the covers with fake lights.
yo dawg

Henry Ford II, this was more genius than pretending that the Escort hatchbacks had 6 inch trunks.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Not Meant To Be

1978 Mercury Grand Marquis
All my friends know the low rider
1978 Mercury Grand Marquis
Low rider don't use no gas now. Low rider don't drive too fast
1978 Mercury Grand Marquis.  On paper, doable at 500, Working headlights  for the win.  But upon further review:
  • no gas
  • dead battery
  • 460, but no oil cap.
  • sitting for 8 +/- months before getting ready to be sold and sitting a couple more.  How many critters and rust bunnies crawled in that engine?.
  • lowrider rims are sellable, but seller alreadybroke 2 wrenches trying to remove.
Sold to somebody else for 700.  C'est la vie.