Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear Superstar

Stop running into people  - Superstar Queen of Sheba

Why does that not apply to the entire universe?  I mean really.  A fucking SUV gets to do things that I don't?  That is so unfair...

NOTE to BONEHEAD OLD MEN IN NISSANS:  the "Crash into me" tag on posts like this is not an invitation.

Tailgaters suck

Stay off my ass

Monday, December 15, 2008

Eat the Rich

...takes on a whole new meaning.

Aston Martin DB7 whoring for gas money
Your pizza is reaDY, mR. bOND

David Brown rolled over in his grave.  No, this is not the Domino's in Dubai.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Die another day

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="660"]Aston Martin DB9 Mr. Bond, I presume[/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="660"]Aston Martin DB9 Volante (Gets) Pussy Galore[/caption]


Friday, December 12, 2008

Ford: I guess we DO need you as a customer after all...

Motorcraft battery:  It's Arizona, it's been two years.  I am dead.
Me:  Thanks for the warning.  What to do, what to do?
Ford three year bumper to bumper warranty: Well, FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE we'd like you to call roadside assistance, who will dispatch a tow truck (hopefully not these guys) to bring your prized car to your Ford dealer, who will dx the problem and give you a Ford OEM solution.  Plus, rental car while your car is out of service.
Me:  oh that is just stupid.  It's a battery.  $89 at Autozone and it's fixed in my own driveway in 20 minutes.
Autozone:  Actually, it's $102.

So, being filled with generosity towards Ford and a desire not to waste my time or their money on something I have seen every two years like clockwork on every car that has endured a Phoenix summer, I did self help.  As I successfully did with two Chryslers, I just mailed the receipt with a hey, here is the deal, I fixed it, pay me back letter.

Ford responded:
Nice try, asshead.  Your warranty covers Ford dealer repairs, unless there is an emergency [defined in the warranty book as "would take more than 30 days"].  You should have called us.  How do we know you replaced it with OEM spec parts.  Check your manual.

I did check my manual, and it said, emergency warranty repairs get paid by dealers.  So, I went there (40 mi. round trip) and explained the whole WTF nature of this runaround.  They noted that my battery purchase was at 5:54 in the evening, but their parts dept was still open (for 6 more minutes).
Me:  You could not get a tow truck to me in 6 minutes.
Power Ford North Scottsdale:  You're right.
Me:  Tow plus parts plus labor =$250.  Dr. G's driveway repair = $102.  Math is easy.
Ford dealer:  You're right.
Me (in my head):  Dude, I so want one of those new Fiestas. PLEASE don't make me swear off Fords just as you are about to reenter the small car market with something decent.
Ford dealer (over dealership intercom):  Dude, you do know you have no inner monologue, right?

They submitted a new reimbursement request on Monday.  I got a check from them yesterday.  Logic > contract terms.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Lamborghini Gallardo

Picture 896

Picture 897

Why is this car ok and the other pig not OK?  Simple:

  1. It's parked.  Not running = not burning MY gas.

  2. It has no plate, therefore it is just a piece of inventory.

  3. Not being used for commuting.

  4. These cars serve one purpose:  to get blow jobs for their owners.  There is never anything wrong with that.

  5. (Hummers are for people who lack enough Enzyte and Viagra to accomplish this simple event)

  6. More usable trunk space than an H2

  7. Can beat me in any race (except mpg).  Never criticize your betters - it makes you a small person.


Yellow:  the color of eunuchs

Gas goes down to a sane level and who comes out to play?  Fatass McCheese and his hummer.  Fuck you, sir.  You're wasting all MY gas.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Kid Rock, Walmart, trailer parks and Ohio. MULLETS ROOL!!!

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"]Chevrolet Camaro gen 3 Wow, what are those round things where the cinder blocks are supposed to go?[/caption]

Man, were we stupid in in the 1980s. Few were immune.

  • Phid's brother:  he is partially excused because his was free.  But, it was a Berlinetta, and not a Z or IROC, so he fails.

  • I rented one  a couple of times for fraternity banquets - base model, and I (not coincidentally) never got laid at fraternity banquets, fancy car or not, so I fail as well.

  • My secretary 10 years ago bought a convertible version of the generation following the one above.  She was hot, but was from (and moved back to) Ohio, so she fails.

  • 3 feet of unused space in the nose (on the next generation from this one) just to keep the profile.  It's like a Monte Carlo

  • [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="228"] The snout that launched a thousand discos[/caption]

Friday, December 5, 2008


fat ass

Now that gas is back down under $2, the lard asses can schlep some Whoppers with Cheese in their (FU)H2s once again.  Yay!  Overconsumption --> scarcity --> price increases.  Again.  Just wait.


Maybach 57

Maybach 57, slumming at a Circle K.  Gas or a 30 pack of Natty Light and some $6 cigs?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Profiles in Shit

Taxi Prius, being an asshole
Discount Cab 735, 9 a.m.  Thomas and 16th St.:  Hmmm... I am a male in desperate need of enhancement, but this cell phone call to 1-900-be-an-ass has left me feeling empowered despite my other shortcomings.

Traffic:  Hey look!  We're all backed up.

Discount Cab 735:  This looks like a job for someone whose brain requires enhancement too.  That's me!!

*cuts off harmless commuter in red Mustang in the inside lane*

Person on the other end of the phone call:  Whatever, dude.  $3.99 per minute.

Mustang:  *death glare.  Searches for F3 button to invoke gargoyle and blood runes.*

Discount Cab 735:  Oh this is boring.  I'll just meander back into my original lane.

Mustang:  *sees cop blocking inside lane*

Mustang:  *sees break in front of Discount Cab 735*  he's a professional.  He will let me in since he's seen the cop.  He's STILL yakking on his cell phone, so he cannot be in a big hurry.

Discount Cab 735:  That's what you think.  CVS says my Viagra Rx is ready, and the 4-H is in town.  Barnyard animals are notoriously impatient.

*cuts off Mustang changing lanes to avoid cop, in order to putter down Thomas at 24 mph.*

Mustang:  *searches for RPG in glove box.  Item not found*