Friday, June 27, 2008

Survivors on the Street: 1986 Dodge Ram Van

1986 Dodge Ram Van
With it's spaceship-like good looks, and bench seats, this is the perfect van for your clan of homeschooled robot children.  Or jackbooted thugs campaign workers and "government contractors."
- Actual Dodge ad (or not)

Why talk about this shitbox?  I saw four - FOUR - of these before lunch today, and the one pictured is a clone of the one pops picked out.

What Rocked:
  • A road trip to Bloomington/Normal, Illinois to watch Bob Perryman eat a fist on TV with 8 Barrel, Phid and Bagman.  Plenty of room for screaming loons.  Privacy glass for Bagman in the back to flip off the cops.
  • Fills in admirably when your Marquis eats a Buick Century and needs its eyelids removed.
  • Madonna.  Van.  Fetzer Center parking lot at night.
  • Gas was $1 +/-.
What Sucked Ass:
  • The actual drive to Bloomington Normal Illinois.  Flatter than Nebraska, but with less to see.
  • Madonna.  Van.  Fetzer Center parking lot at night. No nookie. No anything, except awkward.
  • It's 1985.  Dad is now single (again).  Divorced his crazy, bitchy 2nd wife and said good-bye to his prissy little pussy whipped house in the sticks.  Plus, it's been a couple of years since he bought his S-10 and Z-7, so it's time for a new car.  Time to party, you stud!  But no. No Corvette.  No Mark VII LSC.  No used Thunderbird even.  No, Dad has to buy a van.  A fucking van.  Idiot.
Why a Van, Pops? "Because Buzzkill is getting married, and we (you) will need to drive a bunch of guests around for a week."
Dear Dad,
Hertz rents vans.
Your son
  • The truck got used to drive my grandparents to Detroit to meet the future in-laws.  The future in-laws  promptly rented their own cars, so they could do their own stuff, like any sane people, or anyone who wasn't asked whether they wanted to be carted around all week.
  • Buzzkill-like proliferation - THESE VANS ARE EVERYWHERE.  The evidence.
  1. Buzzkill drives a 15 passenger version.  One person has to ride on the roof.
  2. Exhibit 2.  They are spies, lurking in shadow.  Watching.  Biding their time.
I see you, puny human
I can see you, Kirk... Can you see me?
john McCain does not approve of surveilling the surveillance, bitches
I'd give real money if he'd shut up.
3.  You cannot Leave them unsupervised, without a double layer containment grid.  They breed like tribbles.  Or Buzzkill.

1986 Dodge Ram Van
How many fences does your car need to keep it from escaping?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

For Your "Convenience": Why Does Budget Rent A Car Hate America?

In our last episode, Budget Rent A Car inside Fry's did not have anyone at their service counter, because some guy was washing the salesman and hooker smell from a Dodge Penis Compensator Charger.  How "convenient."

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="260" caption="0 mpg regardless of engine size, geniuses"].22 or maybe a squirt gun[/caption]

Today, still washing, but there is a second guy there to actually service the customers.
No sign stating "I am right here, for your 'convenience,'" which would have been pretty funny.

But back to the other guy.  He has a Dodge shitbox Neon Caliber that needs to be vacuumed,  and the bird shit licked off its hood.  I go in, the hood is getting its tongue bath; I come out and the mondo suck 9000 is removing all the crusty fries from between the seats.

So how does this translate to hating America?  Simple.  On both passes, the engine was running.  Sweet Jesus motherfucking tomatoes, what the hell are you doing?  Do you not understand the most basic concepts of supply and demand?  You are creating demand.  OPEC is not creating additional supplies to compensate.  Price goes up.  Thanks so much, especially after another $55 fill up yesterday.  The world is a better place because you were spared the burden of stopping and restarting a car 10 minutes later.  I should be grateful.

[Ed.:  We are reminded by eagle-eyed reader OG Fred that because the subject car was a Dodge Caliber, restarting it after stopping it is not all that much of a guaranteed outcome.  (Like Marky Mark's Nova in Invincible.)  So, maybe the dude had no real choice.  So, never mind.]

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

F*** the Police

Arizona DPS can kiss my ass.

John Law
Me:  Oooh, a cop.  Let's take a picture. [^^^]
Cop:  Oooh, an asshole with a camera.  Let's find a violation.
Me:  Speed limit 55 mph; cruise control at 52 mph, bitch.
Cop:  Cop computer, fucker.  Step one - run plate for APBs and or possible transportation of doughnuts.  Step 2 - follow this asshole for a couple of miles to see if he flinches.  Or if he's liquored up after the singles bar.
Me:  Not my first time with a cop's nose up my ass.  Also, cruise control, bitch.
Cop:  I'm bored.

*speeds off to find the next person to harass*

Me:  Just like that speed trap in Wayland Michigan.  Mustang with cruise 1, Cops 0.  Dick.
Me:  Thank Bo for up to date plates.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Caption This

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="520"]Pontiac GTO crash wall That'll buff right out[/caption]

  1. Famous Last Words: Jr. will be right in, after he parks the GTO.

  2. Nothing happened last night, right?  RIGHT?!

  3. To cops:  Why no, officer, I was home all night reading the bible and knitting.

  4. Did you hear something?  Nah, go back to sleep.

  5. Attention all units,be on the look out for a brown Opel Kadett with no headlights.

  6. _____________

Friday, June 6, 2008

Name That Car

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="664"]Jensen Healey Not a chevy[/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="664"]Jensen Healey Not a Porsche[/caption]

A second chance at it is here

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Arizona sucks ass

Phoenix traffic-camera changes considered

Phoenix may add surveillance, change scope of programs

by Sadie Jo Smokey - Jun. 3, 2008 12:00 AM
The Arizona Republic

Phoenix is considering expanding its photo-enforcement and red-light camera programs to pretend to increase traffic safety and mostly to add revenue, because the City hates the Constitution, but loves $$...

"As we continue to see accidents in our intersections and we see excessive speeding throughout our community, we need to provide the police department with more tools to help enforce," said Councilman Claude Mattox, the subcommittee's chairman, a bitter, impotent whiner who drives a beat up minivan that smells of decayed cheeseburgers and the resigned hatefulness of suburban shitheadedness .