Friday, November 30, 2007

1998 Hyundai Accent

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="395"] meaningless holes where the foglights might go - way cool!!![/caption]

Where I saw one:  most recently, in a nightmare in the opposite direction from this nightmare

Nostalgia factor: 0/10 - eminently forgettable

Baseline: 5/10, because i owned one for almost two years.  +10 because it was red, the color of bloodlust.  -15, because "lust" has no correlation whatsoever with a Hyundai Accent. +1 because I traded it in and got what I owed out of the deal.  -20 because I totally got ripped off on the deal.  -400 because I traded it in on a minivan.  What did I do with my balls.  Anyone?  Bueller?  +400 because the automatic transmission was beginning to get tired of me beating on it all the time.  +10 for having an automatic, a "working" (see below) radio/tape deck, cloth seats and A/C, only one of which was on the '79 Ford Futura I traded in on it.

-10 because the radio was the biggest con job ever.  The bass and treble knobs did the same thing - turning up the treble turned down the bass; turning up the bass turned down the treble.  Likewise, the balance and fade did the same thing.  Left or front put everything on the front left speaker.  Right or back put everything - you guessed it - in the right rear speaker.

+5, because it was a serviceable commuter car.  -5 because after the thrill of not sitting on yellow vinyl seats with no AC wore off, it was kinda emasculating to be seen in. -1 because it reminds me of low spots professionally and maritally.  +10, because compared with later spots in both, it wasn't the worst thing ever.  +10 for the Car and Driver magazine bullshit factor so as to create the result we want.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Name that car

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"]Panoz Esperante It's NOT a Miata, dammit!!![/caption]

Camelback, east of the Esplanade on Saturday.  We were tooling in the GF's Prius, so I did not have my camera.

The answer is here

Friday, November 16, 2007

Commuting doesn't always suck...

Sometimes there's eye candy

Picture 091

Ferrari F430 Spyder - My best over the shoulder attempt.  I would get a better shot, except that even driving the speed limit, I couldn't get him to catch up.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

1979 Chevrolet Camaro Berlinetta

1978 Chevrolet Camaro Berlinetta
Wire wheel covers say "I go fast - to the disco. Now go make me a drink"
Where I saw one: In front of Dr. Happy Finish's office complex, down the street from the Polynesian Massage therapist.

1979 Chevrolet Camaro Berlinetta
Mmm. Pointy,yet soft (TWSS!). A rear spoiler would help add 10 hp.

Nostalgia factor: -3/10
Baseline: 0, since I never personally owned one. -10 for being a Camaro. Woo hoo, Mustangs. Yee hah! -4 for being a Chevy. Fords rule, bitches. +1 for ditching the crappy fiberglass and the awful fender seams for plastic and slightly better seams; -1 for looking like shit compared to the original. +1 for looking less like a Vega, the second shittiest car ever. +1 for an ass that inspired a Benz. +1 for being cushy (for its era); -1 for being soft - whitewalls? Wire wheel covers? Where did I put my man purse? -1 for having no real connection to Ferrari or anything remotely Italian; +1 because that includes being unrelated to FIAT, shittiest Italian cars ever (pardon the redundancy).

 -1 for being unfixable without professional help. -1 for being a B&E magnet for crackheads.+10 for chauffeuring me on a fateful otherwise-DUI, or passed out in a gutter night or two. +2 for being an improvement over Pretty Boy's yellow, 3 speed manual with a front half vinyl roof '75 version.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

New 2009 Camaro

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="454"]New Vector WX8 revives iconic American supercar name I KNOW it's a Vector, OK?[/caption]

Well, that is what it looks like, with a little Fiero and Diablo thrown in for Fuego.  No, it's the Vector WX8. We love the Vector.  It reminds us of the days when a car made our 'nads as tingly as a topless chica could.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Crash into me

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400"]1988 Ford Festiva L 1990 Suzuki Swift my ass is so flat it takes up negative space[/caption]

This is what you find when you dig in your closet.

Fucking drunk bastards.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

1978 Cadillac Coupe de Ville

Cadillac Coupe de Ville
I want my Caddy back! Stupid little bitches

Where I saw one: 5 and Diner, down the street from Walnuts McCain's HQ of political irrelevance.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Bloated plastic shitpiles are often quasi-magnetically drawn to one another.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Carnivorous Bunnies From Hell

[caption id="attachment_4655" align="alignnone" width="640"] The best Terlingua Mustang I have ever been this close to at Barrett Jackson[/caption]

Terlingua Racing Team

Shelby Autos unveils Terlingua Racing Team Program

Fans of Carroll Shelby and of grassroots racing take note:
From the Press Release:
LAS VEGAS - October 31, 2007 - In April of this year, Shelby Automobiles, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Carroll Shelby International Inc., (CSBI.PK) and legendary Terlingua Team member # 2 Bill Neale returned the Terlingua Racing Team to the spotlight. Today the Terlingua team announced a series of vehicles and products for the grassroots racing community that live up to the Terlingua Racing legend.  Ranging from a high performance package for Ford Mustangs to special edition Shelby Cobra, the program was introduced during a press conference at the 2007 SEMA show.
“We formed the Shelby Terlingua Racing Team to thumb our nose at the stubborn, old racing establishment, win races and more importantly have fun,” noted Shelby Automobiles Founder Carroll Shelby. “That rowdy lifestyle became as popular as the cars we raced.  In fact, our 'bunny' appealed to more people than those at the Playboy mansion. Now we're passing the Terlingua Racing Team torch to new generation with products and vehicle packages that bring back that anti-establishment attitude so they can carve out their own legends.”

Friday, November 2, 2007

1978 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"]1978 Oldsmobile Custome Cruiser Red vinyl seats and an FM radio = mad luxury[/caption]

Oh, look, it's the University/Harold Ziegler Lincoln Mercury used car lot.  This looks familiar... for a couple of reasons.


  • "This is the most luxurious car I have ever owned (to that point)" - Dad, ca. 1978 (Dad's frame of reference was kinda limited.)

  • 12/25/79 - Star Trek: The Motion Picture with Chevelle.

  • Same day, Total station for gas

me: are you open?
clerk: no
me: *leaves without buying gas*

[I thought they made somebody stay on site like a security guard or something]
Karma: you WERE a fucking idiot, weren't you?

  • New front end. Why? Milquetoast tried to pull into a parking spot. Missed. Ford pickup with a diamond plate bumper was completely unhurt.

  • ~October 1979. Rainy night. Second solo flight in the car. Left turn (to eastbound). Front heavy V-8 car with no traction= donuts. In the middle of a 4-lane road.  Spun sideways across a driveway ramp, facing oncoming traffic. Good times...

  • ~1991 - told pops about this episode in his super luxurious Olds. Myocardial fakeout ensues.

  • (No, not really. Just an ulcer. Sorry, pops.)

1977-February 1980

ACID FLASHBACK THURSDAY: 1976 Mercury Marquis de Sade Edition

Why "de Sade Edition"? Because shove this up your ass and there's your answer, smart guy.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="288"]Mercury hood ornament All that remains. It's quite Monarchical. Mercurial? Marquizzical?[/caption]

  • red/red vinyl roof

  • red vinyl seats/dash/carpet

  • 400. 3 spd auto


ACID FLASHBACK THURSDAY: Proof that I am not insane

"My" Volkswagen DID run - for a while. Look in the lower right - it's a VW 411 mirror.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="512"]1978 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser you can hardly tell where my sister crashed it[/caption]

It's the same one on the driver's door here. I know it's not the Zephyr or dad's car du jour, since i wasn't allowed to drive them. Res ipsa loquitor

1974 Plymouth Fury III

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="483"]1974 Plymouth Fury III Yes, it rained cocaine in the 1970s[/caption]

from 1977-78
Car was around ca. 1973-1977

It's a Fury from after they were cool; before they became cool again.

  • 1974 was the first year for unleaded gas

  • this had a somewhat worthless 400 V-8

    • gas consumption like a 440

    • performance like a 225 slant 6

    • reliability like one of these

  • seat belt interlock - Thank you Richard Nixon.  No starting without your belt clicked.  Three months into the program, it was rescinded, and normality was restored

  • copper with black vinyl roof

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="480"]Fury instrument panel Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved.[/caption]

What sucks about the car? Everything above, plus, i never drove it. So, no playing policeman.

Also, road trips in it.
Dad: *screams irrationally* next time spill your Sprite on yourself, not on my seats.

Guess we know where i get it from...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Lee Iacocca Just Rolled Over In His Grave

Today's WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING Award goes to...

Ford Mustang cancer blobs
the San Francisco treat

The Ugliest Mustang Ever. Or, how to turn a goddess into aWalmartt parking lot joke.

  1. Two fake hood scoops

  2. fake fender scoops

  3. Fake rear window scoops

  4. blocked (less functional) grille

  5. blinky mirrors (almost cool)

  6. built in rear wheel flares (cool)

  7. ugly fake slits on the flares

  8. notched side skirts

  9. uglified wheels.

  10. bigger rear wheels. Oh wait. More understeer. Brilliant

  11. least functional splitter/air dam ever - no speed humps for you.

  12. Lame rear wing

  13. barbecue grill paint

God help us for what they did inside. So let's see:
  • less cooling
  • more wind resistance
  • more friction losses (fat tires)
Put it all together, and you have shaved 20 pesky mph off the top end. Yay!

The walmart nation will love it. Everyone else? Well, let's just hope it doesn't find itself at any ski resorts when there is vodka around, or someone might have a non-verbal comment to make - except that it would be redundant.

Ford "Mustang" II

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"]Ford Mustang II They shoot horses, don't they? They should[/caption]

Where I saw one: North Phoenix. It's for sale, if you're a masochist.

Nostalgia factor: -26/10 - THE WORST CAR EVER

Baseline: 0, since I never personally owned one. +1 because Pod had one, -1 for orange, -1 because Yoko had one too, -+1 for Yoko's being (appropriately) the color of shit, -1 because I never got laid in one, +1 because I never had to drive one, -1 because I did have to drive a couple of Pintos, which are the same thing, +1 because this one has a V-8, -1 because the starter motor in my Mustang puts out more net power, -1 for being unreliable pieces of shit,+1 for not usually being able to explode if they don't run, +1 for its ability to navigate two track dirt roads, -14 because the sheriffs will laugh and point, +1 for its ability to get airborne, -1 for its inability to land gracefully, +413 for not killing Pod or Phid, -217 for soiling the name "Mustang",-212 for "Mach One", "Cobra II " "King Cobra", +1 for for being such a regrettable shitbox that the next iteration did not get called "Mustang III," which would therefore legitimize the "II"s as "real" Mustangs, +2 because this complete disaster of a "car" at least this allowed Pod and Phid (by proxy) to join me, 8 Barrel and my gigolo Dad as Mustang owners - Pod and Phid's membership just comes with an asterisk for the whole Pinto in drag thing: at least 8's precursor and mine have respectable DNA. (Or at least less unrespectable DNA).